dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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