I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
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You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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