I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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