Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
