We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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