Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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