i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
