It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
