i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
