No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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