I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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