she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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