im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
