I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
