I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
