I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
