i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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