I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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