you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Can Purell be used as lube?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.