I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Hippo gnu deer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"