I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.