I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
