Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
