he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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