I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
