I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
