woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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