Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I deserve this hangover.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
