He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
