Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
