I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
