i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
