so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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