I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
