i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize