do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
