I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
