I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
In America we eat man semen.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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