Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
