i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
