just tell him i said nine months
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
