There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
