He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
