Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Randomize
