I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
