Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
