Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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