I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
