I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
