I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
