im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
