Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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