I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
