he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
