It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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