Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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