these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
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I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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