dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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