Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
