so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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