I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Found the puke drawer
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
