Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
